I am copy and pasting my journal entry from a few weeks ago.
For one month I decided to consume on all levels a diet of high vibrational frequencies. The lowest thought I could go into was neutrality, empty space, with no negative charge what so ever. If there was an edge to it it was a surrendered, reverent, hopefulness. The lowest emotion on the spectrum I would allow myself was the feeling of open hearted peace which would generally elevate itself to gratitude and appreciation, slowly at first but quickly as I kept practicing.
I wanted to share my process as I feel it represents how we process things while being sick with the unknown. Sometimes I think it is in good taste to be vulnerable and naked so we can all remember we are human and that we are all the same.
March. 16. 2013.
I woke up at noon today. I let myself lay in bed to become the affirmations that I repeated in the morning. I have been having the same dream in different forms. As soon as the night comes my darkness lifts its head and heavy arms like a zombie rising from a grave. It haunts me in my sleep. It slips into my consciousness as I rest because it knows there is no other time it can be heard.
It has been cut off from my life ever since I decided to yield to no other frequencies but love or neutrality. In my dreams I am having fun and loving life in the beginning, but then I realize that I have forgotten something important. The last half of my dream is the panic and guilt that I have been negligent. I feel I have let people down or that I am being irresponsible. These are the screams of the tiny roots of my old life being ripped out like a weed in the pressance of my newly grounded high frequencies.
Like a criminal my distorted paradigms that once ruled have been forced to come out only at night, that is how I can tell that they are desperate and dying. I recognize the need to release them, I have asked them in my waking hours what they are teaching me, I know they will answer because even darkness at its core knows it’s light. They told me that they represent the kings and queens that ruled their kingdom out of fear. They didn’t understand how this world worked so they told their subjects to hide themselves, take no risks and make due with less.They believed love was limited and that whenever it was around they probably didn’t deserve it. They didn’t say it out loud but I gathered that deep down they thought they were monsters. I now know that my dreams were a final plea to go back to my old way, no king or queen wants to lose their kingdom. It became obvious to me that anxiety and fear dies down gradually like a sunset, they want to make sure you don’t need them anymore.
Months ago I would have been frightened of these dreams and maybe taken them as a warning. I would have believed my anxiety and not let it die, I would have worried that it could see something I cannot. It can take a long time before you trust your own eyes. I suppose that’s what happens when you are living the process of remembering who you are. I know now that true guidance worthy of mention does not came laced in fear and choking tightness. Our mind simply wafts forward, for our consideration, who we are and who we are not. It’s almost like it’s trying to make us a sandwich and seeing if we want mustard or mayo, it doesn’t care, its just making the sandwich. It is our purpose to decide no matter the weather what our truth is.
My life is showing the sprouts of my efforts, more bookings, more clarity, way more creativity, but perhaps the most incredible thing is my mind. It seems to be on a completely different wave length, it speaks in humor, beauty and poetry so consistently that when I start to think about it in contrast to where I was it feels as though my heart will explode. I suppose that is how our bodies react to the sensation of moving very quickly from one state to the next. I imagine that it is some spiritual version of the “benz” in diving, a change in pressure can feel like you are exploding. On that note I know that I have felt “narked” before, drunk from a transition made so quickly that the mind doesn’t know what else to do but turn into bubbles. I am finding relaxation now that my mind seems to have integrated into a new home in a higher frequency. Old reactive behaviours that were my personality seem far away, impossible even, it would be difficult to act them out knowing that they aren’t real or productive.
Today is a contraction, it is still and nostalgic and I love that. In the past I would have felt weird about being still, reverent, and smooth. Not today, today is a gift where I get to ground my heart into the earth and swim the in the deep dark waters of my own being. I’m not scared of that anymore as the darkness is not so mysterious to me, it has come to represent pure potential and creative energy that will soon move through me and give me the gift of being reborn continuously into purer and purer expressions of my highest self.
Randomly I have noticed that when I move into a contraction I become a psychic smeller, I will get wafts of the scents of people, places and things that have become enmeshed with me in the past. I like to think that in those moments they are speaking to me in some way, or maybe I am just getting a glimpse of the alchemy that is happening beyond my mind. Maybe I am smelling the steam of memories that fuelled my own transformation. I know that when this happens on some level I am dancing with with moments that have made me who I am. I love that. I love today.